One thing I've learnt about myself in the past year is that I'm a big bottler-upper, and the only way I can think to describe it as is that my mind is like Blue Planet. If anyone watched the latest series, I'm sure I wasn't alone in thinking "holy crap, who knew all of that was going ON down there?!" every episode, and that's kind of what I'm like; I'm still as cool, glacial water to look at but underneath that surface it's pretty chaotic.
I have what feels like ten thousands thoughts a minute (which then get overthought into oblivion in turn, naturally) and yet I keep it all inside and don't say a word, whether that be 'in real life' or online. I spoke in this video about how one of my resolutions for 2018 is to adopt the 'a problem shared is a problem halved' approach, as bottling everything up and dealing with it all on your own is when the bottle goes full throttle, my friends.
So, it's currently 2am - my insomnia is being evil at the moment - and in the spirit of sharing and being more open, I just wanted to have a little chat. I feel as though I've spent the past year or so in a real rut, almost as though I haven't experienced the time fully; I've been a passenger in my own car rather than the driver, who was always waiting for something around the next bend to make me as happy as I 'should' be, but the road just continued as normal and before I knew it that car journey was a year-long trip to nowhere.
Now, I'm probably being a little harsh on myself (nothing new there) but I genuinely think 2017 was one of my worst years. As earlier mentioned I tend to keep myself to myself so I'm not sure if this was palpable at all, but I spent the whole year feeling anxious and incompetent and really unhappy within myself. There were glimpses of sunshine in-between the dark and gloomy clouds - any time I was in Will's presence, sunbathing on a rooftop in the Italian countryside with friends, meeting my cousin's newborn baby boy - but whenever I was by myself I felt very much that; alone.
I won't go into all of the reasons why (it would be so easy to, let me tell you, but I've been in the blogging game long enough to know that you have to tell yourself that even though it feels like you're spilling your heart out to your diary and your diary alone - you're not, it's the internet!) but a substantial one is definitely my health. Having lived with a chronic illness for years I'm sort of used to it, but sort of not. I know it inside out and yet it still shocks me with how relentless and painful and lonely it can be.
Frustration is my current main emotion with regards to my illness, as I can see everything I want to achieve right in front of me but I don't have the energy, and it really is as simple as that. I just don't have the energy. Earlier today I went to send Will a quick WhatsApp about booking in another appointment with the lady who's booking our trip at the weekend, and I physically couldn't get my fingers to work properly as I was so fatigued. I'd already had the usual inner battle that I have with myself every morning where I'm torn between cracking on with my to-do list and putting my already weak body under further strain, and it was one of those moments where I thought "I've given up hope of filming any new videos which breaks my heart, I'm meant to be moving house this week and literally all I've done so far is fold a few clothes from my wardrobe and now I can't even text my boyfriend". Having a disability that controls your life, makes decisions for you and takes away opportunities is so tough and my whole heart goes out to anyone who lives with that, too.
I know I said it before in this video, but I really do feel as though I need to re-find my feet with YouTube and blogging as a whole. You may have noticed that uploads have been really sporadic on my channel (who remembers when I had a twice-weekly upload schedule that lasted all of about five minutes?) and that's mostly because of my physical health and partly because of my mental health. My body beat me up from the inside out and when it infrequently but eventually gave me a little respite, my good old overthinking brain told me that every idea I had was useless, old news, not worth it - and I listened good and hard.
Now it's time to start telling myself good and hard that what I do is meaningful and does have a purpose! Even if it's 'just' an everyday makeup routine that isn't filmed as professionally as a 'proper' beauty guru's and despite the fact that I've watched ten million tutorials I still can't do winged liner, that one heartmeltingly sweet comment from a viewer who tells me that it took their mind off their crappy day for fifteen minutes is what counts.
I've been trying (and succeeding, yay!) in 'retraining' my brain to be kinder to me and get out of the rut I've found myself in, and even just typing away about what's been on my mind in my current sleep-deprived state feels helpful - so if anyone would like some classic chatty Meg-with-a-cup-of-tea videos about picking yourself up and dusting yourself off, holla!
Jeans | Slippers | Cushion | Throw | Diary | Book
Photos by Megan Duffield Photography
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