Other than being a monumental day for all mankind - it's Harry Styles' (aka the apple of my eye)'s 21st birthday today, obviously - it's also the day that I planned to 'do 2015 over' on. I thought that as I haven't had a great start to the year, I'd just forget that January happened and start February with a clean slate. It was easy to make my mind up, but what isn't easy is convincing your chronically ill body that it needs to sort itself out because you've got stuff to do. Important, worthwhile stuff! But nope, it wants to keep me up all day and night.
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| Before, feeling all sassy about finally leaving the house |
Hence why I'm feeling a bit grouchy and generally 'arghhh' today. Anyway, I thought that writing a post might make me feel a little bit better emotionally, so here I am - typing away.
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Okay, January was pretty dire. Just picture me, curled up in a ball in bed, not able to eat or drink much, with the blackout curtains closed from AM to PM and my cat snoozing beside me, and that's about it. I had a couple hours of 'normality' with Hayley - click here! - to celebrate her birthday, but then we both went back to hibernating in the dark again. It wasn't until last Friday that I finally was able to get out of bed - I filmed a YouTube video, then went to see Hayley and our gal Hannah for tea, then yesterday on Saturday my fave guy Dom came over for a catch up, and in the evening I saw my best friend Hannah for her 21st. Phew. I did more in two days than I've done in five weeks - extremely reckless of me, but it happened that everyone came home the same weekend, so I chose to push myself.
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| After, when ME opened a can of whoop ass |
ME has already commenced with its evil revenge on me, and today was a toughie. I still haven't slept a wink - honestly, it's exasperating to be so physically and mentally drained that you can't grip a toothbrush to clean your teeth but for your veins to buzz and your mind to race as soon as you shut your eyes - so I'm not the happiest bunny. Grateful to have seen so many of my wonderful friends, but fed up that I have to deal with this horrible aftermath every time. Not ideal when Will is coming to stay for a week tomorrow, either - you'd think a month of total rest would cancel out a couple of afternoons with friends, but nope! PEM hell, so nice to be reunited with you again. Apologies that this post is quite 'doom and gloom, woe is me', in 'real life' I'm actually quite chipper - as soon as I get any human contact again I can smile naturally, it's these long hours on my own that are hard.
It hasn't been helped by the fact that I've been desperately trying for days on end to upload my latest YouTube video that I filmed on Friday - my 'Best of Beauty 2014' video, by the way - and our shocking internet connection has meant that I've seen the words 'Share Failed - Unable To Publish To YouTube' enough times to last me a lifetime. I've bought a new hard drive, deleted every single file from my MacBook, compressed and exported and re-exported in each different format, everything, but to no avail. Living in the countryside is nice, but I'd trade my soul for an inner-city connection speed right now! It's just been one of those disappointing days. A disappointing month, but I'm forgetting about January now and moving forward. I'm going to finish my tea and watch something on YouTube that makes me feel glad to be alive, like The Shaytards or Hannah Maggs. It is Sunday night after all - anyone else for a spot of #sundaynightwiththemichalaks? I'm in!
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As I'm skim-reading what I've written above, it's one of those 'not really sure why I wrote this or if I'll bother publishing it' posts. Hope it's not too boring for you if I do hit that 'Publish' button. Sometimes you just need to get it out, y'know? And it helps to hear from you guys in the comments or via email that you feel the same, and that I'm not alone.
I'll brighten up this blog post with the birthday boy just being his usual beautiful self. No need to thank me in the comments, you are most welcome!
Do you ever have those 'argh' days, weeks or months? If so, how do you deal with them?
P.S. I wrote this post a few hours ago and haven't been sure if I was going to post it or not. I honestly feel WAY better now - writing is so therapeutic to me, and my thoughts somehow make sense once I've put pen to paper or fingers to MacBook keyboard. It makes me put everything into perspective and realise that how I feel is justified, yes, but it's not the end of the world. I'll get through it, as I always do. Just thought I'd mention that - thanks for giving me an outlet and always making me feel better no matter how rubbish I feel. Or maybe it was those gifs of Harry... JOKING. All my love! <3
I'm definitely glad you posted this :) I just love reading anything you write! So January hasn't been so good for you, don't let it get to you. There will always be another day - try and embrace the new ones and forget about what's been and gone. It's in the past so let it stay there :) And also, don't beat yourself up if you can't do something - you are a remarkable person, remember that xx
ReplyDeleteSam | Samantha Betteridge
Keep smiling :)
ReplyDeleteBethan | Thought from Beth x
Thanks Bethan, you too :) x
ReplyDeleteHOW did I know you'd be the first to comment on this! ;) The book my dad got me is hilarious, I honestly almost cried with laughter when he gave it to me... I probably talk about Harry way too much :|
ReplyDeleteThanks so much my darling, you're a gem! I wish there were some magic potion too, that'd be amazing. In the meantime though we just have to grin and bear it, and look at gifs of Mr Styles <3 aww that's so nice, you're way better than the world too :) tons of love! x
Aww that's really nice of you to say, thank you :) so glad you think that! You're so right, it's important not to let yesterday or tomorrow use up too much of today :) you're a remarkable person too, I really value your support and hope you know that I'm always here for you if you need anything! x
ReplyDeleteOh Meg I just wish I had a magic wand so I could take all the rubbish away from us all. Hoping you get some sleep soon & know that we're all thinking of you. Loads of love & hugs xx
ReplyDeleteI love reading posts like this! I haven't had the greatest month either, and pretty much spent the majority of it crawled up in bed. I definitely agree with a fresh slate this month, let's just forget January ever happened haha. There are much better days & months ahead for you! Sending you lots of love & hugs! :) xx
ReplyDeleteAngela | The Sunday Chapter
I love posts like this! It's great to mix up the style of blog posts you write. I totally understand how hard January must of been for you. Here's hoping February is better. Loads of love xxxx
ReplyDeleteHey Meg. I'm sorry that January has been awful for you. Here's to hoping that your ME symptoms ease a bit this month. Honestly I find these brutally honest 'life can be crap sometimes' posts really helpful... they make me feel less alone with my own struggles! So don't be afraid to hide the bad stuff! I know this sounds a bit spammy but I have just written a post 'the kind of insomnia that can't be cured with a spritz of lavender mist' and I'd be so flattered if you could check it out. I've written about a few of the things that have helped me get my chronic insomnia / sleep deprivation under control --> http://janeteastham.blogspot.co.uk
ReplyDeleteIt's such a shame you had not your best January cause of illness - but your post...I'm not happy with your feeling, but I'm happy about your openness. I feel like it's very important part of life - not to fill it with "Hello. How are you? - Ok. And you? - Ok.". At least not always and especially when you are not ok. And you know that this person really want to know. And I truly believe that your readers, including me, we are here because of you and we are here to be happy with your happy days and support when thhings are more difficult than usual. It's not about pity - I wrote it and will write again and again: you are so much more than your illness, I have too much love and respect for you to pity. But I feel desier to support you and give you hand - even if it's just internet connection. I guess even in Russian this will sound messy, but guess all I wanted to say is that you are wonderful and great you posted it.
ReplyDeleteHey Meg. So sorry to hear your January has been awful :-( Don't know that I can say much in the way of making you feel better or anything like that, but I do just want to say that although you don't get to write that much, yours is one of my favourite blogs to read. It's always so honest. And I appreciate that in writing; I think we all do. And your writing really does have a lovely flow to it too. I hope February is better than January for you. And I look forward to reading the next instalment over here on the blog. You said you're not sure why you wrote this post, but the fact that you even wrote that is the very reason I think we all love your posts :-) x
ReplyDeleteSeriously, when is M.E gonna give my girl a break! Those Harry gifs though... so dreamy! Writing is extremely therapeutic, so I'm glad you wrote this. Also loving how much I seem to be mentioned on your blog lately too! I'm just glad you were able to make it out for those few days with me, and our Han, and also your Han! (phew) I hope February will be better than January was.
ReplyDeleteSending all da love
xxx
Yep the thing that makes us 'sisters' can suck! fingers crossed for a 'better' Feb for you Meg.
ReplyDeleteLove to you chica
- Jess xxx
Aww, I wish I could do the same for you Ali! <3 Thank you, you lovely human being, loads of love and hugs to you too x
ReplyDeleteSo glad you do - they're maybe not the most uplifting words I've ever written, but sometimes you have to 'keep it real' and not put a glossy topcoat over everything. Sometimes things feel rubbish-y and it's okay to acknowledge that and move forward with it :) haha yes, what January? Is that even a real month or is it like Julemberary? Sending love and hugs to you too, hope February is going well for you so far :) x
ReplyDeleteThanks so much Chloe, I do too - it's like having a little window into someone's head for five minutes, isn't it! Sometimes it's nice to just start typing without following a series of bullet points that you've jotted down in a notebook - just to begin writing and see where it takes you. I think I get really waffly when I do these sorts of blog posts, so thank you for encouraging me and saying such nice things :) really appreciate the feedback! Hope 2015 has been a good one for you so far my lovely! x
ReplyDeleteHi Janet! Thank you, February is going better already :) I've managed to get out of the house a couple of times with my boyfriend and family, and emotionally I'm coping much better. I think the fresh air does my mind good, even if my body protests! That's lovely of you to say - sometimes it's difficult to strike a balance between being positive about ME and at the same time showing how debilitating ME is. There are times when it just gets too much and whilst you might be able to put on a brave face, you can't put on a smiley one. It's how we react to those awful times that shows how strong we can be, and I hope you know how strong you are :) aww that's great, as you could tell in this post I've really been suffering with insomnia recently so any help is welcome, usually I get a bit tired of people offering advice (when most of the time they've not experienced severe insomnia themselves!) but from fellow sufferers I'm all ears :) will pop over and take a read very soon, thanks again x
ReplyDeletePolina, I completely and utterly 100% understand the 'how are you?' 'fine, you?' notion - I actually wrote a post here: http://www.meg-says.com/2014/04/why-do-we-act-well-when-were-not.html which focuses on exactly that - I feel it's so easy for us to mask how we really feel or if we're particularly struggling that day, week or month and pretend we're fine or well when we're not. Being open and honest is a great thing - but that's not to say we're being dishonest when we're optimistic, it's just that we experience different emotions and some days we feel naturally happy, and some days we feel naturally sad. Both are fine and normal :) no, it doesn't sound messy at all, your English is SO fantastic and I'm really proud of you! Thank you so much for your lovely kind words, it means the world :) I have a lot of love and respect for you too, and it's important to me that you don't pity me, along with anyone else. As you say, we're too 'much' for pity - we don't need or want it, we're more than our illnesses :) all my love x
ReplyDeleteHi, Gareth - thanks so much for reading and commenting! Wow, that's such a big compliment - thank you :) it really does mean a lot that you think that, when I publish posts I don't really expect people to read them, so it's lovely to hear that you enjoy them enough to say that my blog is one of your favourites to read :) I hope 2015 has been a great one for you so far whatever you've been getting up to, I hope it'll be a fulfilling and happy year for you! Aww that's such a lovely sentiment, I wasn't planning on publishing this post but you've made me glad that I did - thank you for that, and your support :) have a great weekend! x
ReplyDeleteI know right, c'mon ME, before we smash your biscuits like Rachy V! Haha, were they a bit too much? Nope, I didn't think so either! ;) I'm glad too, sometimes you get a bit waffly and you're not sure whether to post it but it's so nice to get comments from people who say that they like reading these sort of posts, it gives you that encouragement you need to keep going and sharing different emotions via blogging. Aww yeah, that was so lovely, we must do it again! I still need a proper date with Barney <3 sending all the love right back atcha, sis x
ReplyDeleteIt really can! Thanks to you (and all our other sisters!) for being there though, it makes dealing with this awful 'thing' 100x easier and I really wouldn't want to be with any of you :) thank you, hope February is kind to you too, lots of love my darling! x
ReplyDeleteHi Meg. You're absolutely welcome. And I always think if you're nervous or worried about what you've written, then that's the perfect time to publish. The honesty makes for the most incredible pieces. Looking forward to the next piece :-) x
ReplyDeleteHi Meg, thanks so much for taking the time to reply to my comment. I'm sorry it took me such a long time to get back to you; I'm afraid I've been experiencing some pretty intense exhaustion lately! I wanted to talk about medication in my post, as this is honestly the thing that helps me the most, however I don't really feel qualified to do so. Anyway, I'd be so flattered if you did get the chance to take a look xx
ReplyDeleteIm so glad that you published this even though you unsure, you're right writing can be very therapeutic and I'm pleased you're better now.
ReplyDeleteMeg, I'm loving your blog & channel! I just found your channel tonight as I was scanning through the comments under the SacconeJoly's most recent video and usually I wouldn't bother clicking onto people's channels but for whatever reason I clicked on yours and started watching your videos. I'm so glad I did as you seem so genuinely lovely and your videos are great and so easy to watch. I then discovered your blog and I've been having a little read and just wanted to leave a comment to say you're doing such a great job both here and on YouTube and you should be really proud :) you're doing a better job than me and you have so much more to deal with in your life. I'm just a lazy student that blogs when I'm not working, haha. I'm sorry to hear about all that you have to deal with but glad that you feel that writing helps you. I think the Harry gifs probably did help though because when does Harry not help a situation? ;) haha. I hope your time has been a bit better since this post, lovely!
ReplyDeleteCaitlin Crawford
- xoxo