Hey! So right this second at 5pm I'm in bed, with a fresh cup of tea and a buttered scone, feeling all jittery and sleep-deprived, and basically just well and truly 'done' with today.
Other than being a monumental day for all mankind - it's Harry Styles' (aka the apple of my eye)'s 21st birthday today, obviously - it's also the day that I planned to 'do 2015 over' on. I thought that as I haven't had a great start to the year, I'd just forget that January happened and start February with a clean slate. It was easy to make my mind up, but what isn't easy is convincing your chronically ill body that it needs to sort itself out because you've got stuff to do. Important, worthwhile stuff! But nope, it wants to keep me up all day and night.
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| Before, feeling all sassy about finally leaving the house |
Insomnia. It's ruling my life at the moment and probably the reason behind this post not being as smooth or cohesive as I'd usually aim for. Brain isn't in gear. Eyes are swollen and sore. Head is pounding. Body feels bruised and battered. You get the point. But it doesn't matter whether I'm out of bed at 6am, whether I nap or not, whether I've been up for just 40 minutes or 40 hours straight - I cannot sleep and it's driving me up the wall. Sleep deprivation is torturous and every tiny thing seems magnified and worthy of sobbing over.
Hence why I'm feeling a bit grouchy and generally 'arghhh' today. Anyway, I thought that writing a post might make me feel a little bit better emotionally, so here I am - typing away.
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Okay, January was pretty dire. Just picture me, curled up in a ball in bed, not able to eat or drink much, with the blackout curtains closed from AM to PM and my cat snoozing beside me, and that's about it. I had a couple hours of 'normality' with Hayley - click here! - to celebrate her birthday, but then we both went back to hibernating in the dark again. It wasn't until last Friday that I finally was able to get out of bed - I filmed a YouTube video, then went to see Hayley and our gal Hannah for tea, then yesterday on Saturday my fave guy Dom came over for a catch up, and in the evening I saw my best friend Hannah for her 21st. Phew. I did more in two days than I've done in five weeks - extremely reckless of me, but it happened that everyone came home the same weekend, so I chose to push myself.
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| After, when ME opened a can of whoop ass |
ME has already commenced with its evil revenge on me, and today was a toughie. I still haven't slept a wink - honestly, it's exasperating to be so physically and mentally drained that you can't grip a toothbrush to clean your teeth but for your veins to buzz and your mind to race as soon as you shut your eyes - so I'm not the happiest bunny. Grateful to have seen so many of my wonderful friends, but fed up that I have to deal with this horrible aftermath every time. Not ideal when Will is coming to stay for a week tomorrow, either - you'd think a month of total rest would cancel out a couple of afternoons with friends, but nope! PEM hell, so nice to be reunited with you again. Apologies that this post is quite 'doom and gloom, woe is me', in 'real life' I'm actually quite chipper - as soon as I get any human contact again I can smile naturally, it's these long hours on my own that are hard.
It hasn't been helped by the fact that I've been desperately trying for days on end to upload my latest YouTube video that I filmed on Friday - my 'Best of Beauty 2014' video, by the way - and our shocking internet connection has meant that I've seen the words 'Share Failed - Unable To Publish To YouTube' enough times to last me a lifetime. I've bought a new hard drive, deleted every single file from my MacBook, compressed and exported and re-exported in each different format, everything, but to no avail. Living in the countryside is nice, but I'd trade my soul for an inner-city connection speed right now! It's just been one of those disappointing days. A disappointing month, but I'm forgetting about January now and moving forward. I'm going to finish my tea and watch something on YouTube that makes me feel glad to be alive, like The Shaytards or Hannah Maggs. It is Sunday night after all - anyone else for a spot of #sundaynightwiththemichalaks? I'm in!
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As I'm skim-reading what I've written above, it's one of those 'not really sure why I wrote this or if I'll bother publishing it' posts. Hope it's not too boring for you if I do hit that 'Publish' button. Sometimes you just need to get it out, y'know? And it helps to hear from you guys in the comments or via email that you feel the same, and that I'm not alone.
I'll brighten up this blog post with the birthday boy just being his usual beautiful self. No need to thank me in the comments, you are most welcome!
Do you ever have those 'argh' days, weeks or months? If so, how do you deal with them?
P.S. I wrote this post a few hours ago and haven't been sure if I was going to post it or not. I honestly feel WAY better now - writing is so therapeutic to me, and my thoughts somehow make sense once I've put pen to paper or fingers to MacBook keyboard. It makes me put everything into perspective and realise that how I feel is justified, yes, but it's not the end of the world. I'll get through it, as I always do. Just thought I'd mention that - thanks for giving me an outlet and always making me feel better no matter how rubbish I feel. Or maybe it was those gifs of Harry... JOKING. All my love! <3
