When I say 'used to be', I mean 'before I got ill'. Before illness took over my life and I had to leave my job, my university degree and my days as a young, fun-loving student who ran every morning and met new people every day. These days, things are pretty different and it's still taking some getting used to. I decided to write this as a way of collecting my thoughts and moving on, in one direction or another, as at the moment I feel kinda stuck.
Stuck in a body that doesn't work as it should, and a mind that's frustrated at not being able to even dream of making those New Year's resolutions that I used to. I recently wrote a post called '2014: The Highlight Reel' - here - which made me feel immensely grateful and proud of what I managed to achieve last year despite my poor health and being unable to leave my bed most days. When you wake up every day feeling too poorly to lift your head up however, it tends to wear you down and although I'm a very positive and generally cheerful person - it does get hard and I'm not always 100% accepting of my ME. Now is one of those times, and in these moments I really don't feel myself. I am planning on doing a post about my hopes and 'resolutions' - I'll be using that term loosely this year! - but for now, I just feel like being a little bit annoyed about being ill and not attempting to cheer myself up. I'm naturally optimistic, and that sunshine will return in a week or so, but today I'm feeling pretty 'drizzly'. A bit grey, a bit dull, a bit miserable. Sometimes, that's just life.
Since the 1st of January I feel like I hit the ground not running, but barely crawling. As I mentioned in the opening paragraph, a new year used to motivate me no end - and it wasn't really any different as 2014 came to a close, but my body just doesn't co-operate anymore. It turns out, ME really doesn't care whether it's two weeks into 2015 and I still haven't done anything. It's all "are you serious? Christmas was two seconds ago, then you dragged me to a party a week later. I am literally so done with you. Like, I can't even". So, as much as I'd love to dive headfirst into a mountain of work and busy myself with emails, new blog posts, YouTube videos and the like, every day is fairly hellish at the moment and I really haven't got any other option than to put my health first and rest up.
I once heard someone say that ME is like "seeing all of your goals right in front of you, but being attached to a wall behind you by a spring". It's so true. I'm still as motivated, determined and ambitious as ever, but I can't do what I want to do because of having ME. It sucks and I don't always feel like putting on a brave face and pretending that I'm fine with not being able to achieve or do what I long to. Sometimes it's more therapeutic to think "this isn't fair" for a little while then get up - metaphorically, probably - and dust yourself down, accepting the fact that life isn't always fair and you just have to deal with it. So, in the spirit of accepting that life isn't always fair, my goals for 2015 will be ME-realistic and I'll be trying not to put any overly-ambitious pressure on myself. It only ends in disaster anyway and puts me back in bed for longer - and where's the sense in that? Chill, Meg.
If you're feeling like 2015 is off to a flying start and leaving you in the dust, I hope it's some small comfort that I'm left behind in the very same dust, too. And that's okay - it's only a date on a calendar, after all. Yes, it's a time for new beginnings, but maybe our only real goal should simply be to continue doing everything we can to get better. Cheers to that!
How's your 2015 going so far?
This is actually a really moving post, and I am actually really sad to read that life is a bit grey for you right now. You are lovely, beautiful, kind person yet are faced with such a hard challenge everyday. However, I think you should take comfort in knowing that it's ok to not be ok, y'know? I recently did a post on how we shouldn't be happy all of the time because that's completely unrealistic and is too much pressure for us. And you're right about time, 2015 really is just a second ticking by, and that is all.
ReplyDeleteJust think about how this is making you a stronger, wiser and amazing human being xx
Sam | Samantha Betteridge
I'm afraid that I'll as always will write too long and messy - sorry for that.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all - don't know if it's comforting or not, but just wanted you to know that though I can't understand all your struggles (as not having M.E.) I feel your pain and never think about is as about "just tired". Feel your confusion. And it's totally ok not to be always cheer and bright when life bring you more obstacles than to normal people and not think that if there are so many obstacles it means I can bear them etc. - positive attitude is great but sometimes it's as good (necessary) just to be moody and sorrowful. And you, who fights so hard and pushing herself so intensive, deserve it more than anyone.
It's so hard to stop comparing you with others, and the more limitations, the more visible limitations, the worse this comparing. Everyone are further, but this exact thing is in mind of oh, so many people. But we never run in the one direction. Some run, some walk, some going higher, some wider and so on. It's never about being behind, though it's really unfair what is happening to you. But you are not in the dast. I feel tears of emotions in my eyes, because you are so wonderful, you inspire me so much and you are so much more than what happening with you. You are Meg, always. Send you my love.
It was lovely to read this because I started writing a similar post but I wasn't sure I wanted to write about it anymore because I felt people might think I was moaning and blaming my illness on things and I couldn't get the wording right ! But the sad truth is M.E stops us fulfilling our dreams and goals. Im in a much better position this year as my health has improved and I've started off the year super excited and wanting to plan things but i keep hitting hurdles already and its becoming so draining and its still only January lol I should probably focus more on small goals but I've always been someone who dreams big and has lots of goals. I hope you can achieve lots of lovely things in 2015 :)
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you're able to put a positive spin on the restrictions you feel, and the frustration to begin your YT goals again must be painful. It makes me want to give you a big hug, and also to revaluate how I'm utilizing my own time.
ReplyDeleteHere's to a great 2015, today, tomorrow and whenever you can kick ME's butt!
Lauren x
Britton Loves | Lifestyle Food Fashion Beauty - www.brittonloves.blogspot.co.uk
I'm a positive person majority of the time too but it's damn annoying that we aren't able to do what we please with our days! Like you I sometimes feel it pays well to have a few down days and then pick yourself up when you feel ready again! It's really hard when you're naturally such an ambitious person and the chance of taking on new things is snatched away from you! I hope you feel better soon Meg, I'm really hoping 2015 is the year we're able to say that ME hasn't got in the way as much! Lots of love x
ReplyDeleteSuch an inspirational positive person, you really teach us all to be positive and see the good in situations even if it is nearly impossible!
ReplyDeleteI really hope your 2015 is amazing, and will always continue to read your blog as I am obsessed with your attitude in life!
Love
Steph xx
http://stephhjayne.blogspot.co.uk
Hi sweetie,
ReplyDeleteSuch an open and honest post, well done brave lady!
I can totally relate to how you feel. The last few days in particular I've been very low and down about how restrictive my illness is and how lots of my hopes for this year will not be achievable due to it. There are so many expectations for making the new year a 'better one' but how can we do that if we have little to no control over our lives.
As my very good friend Faye says, its ok not to be ok.
I hope you spirits will be lifted soon lovely,
Soph xoxoxox
http://www.spooniesophia.wordpress.com
I hope you start feeling much better soon Meg. Like you said, the new year is just a date on a calendar and it doesn't matter if you start running on the 1st of Jan or any other time of the year!
ReplyDeleteMegan x
London Callings
I like to start new things in January and always have a lot of plans for the New Year, but this year they all flew out the window in the first week of January haha :D I guess that's life, but I'll try to start over... maybe on Monday :D
ReplyDeleteBella Pummarola
Everyone has those down days/weeks when everything is just all too much and it gets you down. i think us spoonies are some of the most positive people on the planet but as you said that isn't possible 100% of the time, but knowing that thats ok is the key. we will feel better. it may not be today or even the next month but one day we will be feeling 'good' enough. Its those 'down days that prove just how strong we are every time we get back up.
ReplyDeleteLove, Hugs and Positive vibes being sent your way.
- Jess
whyislifesolush.blogspot.co.uk
Thank you, Sam! You'll be pleased to hear that I'm feeling a little brighter now, and writing this post really helped - as well as reading your amazing response, of course :) I completely agree, even the most optimistic people have to take a break from looking on the bright side or they'd get sore eyes, haha! Ooh really, could you pop a link to the post on here for me, I'd love to take a read please? You're so kind, thank you SO incredibly much for your lovely and thoughtful words x
ReplyDeleteNo need to apologise, your English is absolutely fantastic as always, very impressive. I completely agree, we need those sorrowful times otherwise how would we know what happiness feels like when we have nothing to compare it to? That's so lovely, I never thought about it that way - we all have our different paths to walk and nobody gets left behind as we're moving at our own pace. You've given me such a new and beautiful way to look at that, thank you :) that deserves a blog post of its own, I'm sure! Thank you, you are so kind and I really appreciate that, as well as so many other things about you. Sending you my love, too x
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for reading, Laura - I know how difficult it is what with brain fog and difficulties with screens/light etc, so it means even more that you've taken the time and energy to read what I've got to say. I know what you mean, it's hard to strike a balance between showing the realities of ME but not looking like you're moaning either, I hope people understand where I'm coming from though and that I'm just trying to say that even the most positive people have to take a time out, sometimes. Glad you 'get it' :) so happy to hear that you've made improvements, I know that even the smallest things are huge victories for sufferers :) congratulations! Haha, I feel you there, I'm a big dreamer too - and who says we can't be dreamers, we might just take a little longer to get there than healthy people. We shouldn't give up just because we have obstacles in our way, it'll just make it even sweeter when we overcome our illnesses and achieve our dreams :) and you! x
ReplyDeleteThanks so much, Lauren! Haha, I started off the post adamant that it was going to be all about 'embracing feeling crappy' but by the end of it I seem to have come around and put a positive spin on it anyway, but hey, not a bad attribute to have I guess! Big hug to you, too - and I think you're doing fabulously, when I was healthy I was always pushing myself to do more but as long as you're doing your best, that's all that counts. And it seems to me like you absolutely are, no fear :) yep, here's to that! Keep doing your thing in 2015, it's working! x
ReplyDeleteDamn annoying, indeed! And you're so right, one of the points that I was trying to make is that we're well within our rights to sometimes throw our hands in the air and say, 'THIS SUCKS!' Usually I'm the strong and silent type but heaven knows that every once in a while we're going to have a time where it is too much and we can't put on a brave, happy face. I agree, being naturally ambitious makes it even harder as you're used to being a hard achiever in your 'old life', whereas now we've got so many limitations that you can't see a way through it, sometimes. I think you do an utterly fantastic job despite everything though, we're always each others #1 supporters and for good reason, because we all do our best and our best is pretty darn good considering the circumstances! I hope it's the year that we can say that, too - you absolutely 100% deserve it :) lots of love x
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for reading and commenting, Steph - it means the world! That's a lovely way of putting it :) sometimes it does feel nearly impossible, but we always manage to come out of the other side feeling stronger. I hope it's a fantastic year for you too, I'm sure you'll do great things and continue being a kick-ass person! :) Aww, that's so kind of you and I'm really glad to hear that you enjoy reading! Makes my day :) hope you've had a lovely weekend and enjoy the week ahead x
ReplyDeleteHi lovely! Thanks so much. So sorry to hear that you've been feeling the same way, since posting this so many people have said that they relate to it and it makes me sad that all these bright and beautiful people are struggling, but we're all in it together. I absolutely know what you mean, I think one of the hardest things is not having that control over your life - we don't get to make our own decisions as we have to do what our bodies can do, which 99% of the time isn't what we were hoping for. Faye - and Jessie J ;) - are totally right though, it's perfectly okay not to be okay and things will get better with time, we just have to bloom where we're planted and take each day as it comes. Wishing with all my heart that 2015 is a better one for you, Soph x
ReplyDeleteThank you! Absolutely, it made me feel so much better when I realised that - life isn't about a date on a calendar, it's about the moments! When we're old and grey we won't remember what we did on 1st January every year, we'll remember the moments for the way they made us feel - not what the date was! Hope it's a fantastic one for you :) take care! x
ReplyDeleteHaha, I feel you on that one! I used to be pretty good at sticking to resolutions, it's more about the fact that I can't make any 'good' ones these days - 'make myself lunch once a fortnight' isn't quite as exciting! But I suppose it's a realistic goal, which is better than a crazy unachievable one :) hope 2015 brings lots of happiness your way! x
ReplyDeleteOh I really am glad you're feeling a little brighter :) Your posts help and inspire hundreds of people everyday, it's only fair you get the same back, right? ;) And yes of course, this is it! http://www.samanthabetteridge.co.uk/2015/01/wholeness.html xx
ReplyDeleteThank you for you answer, it made me so happy! Thank for you both for taking timr and energy.
ReplyDeleteAwesome post! Love your blog (:
ReplyDeletehttp://withlovefromnicole.blogspot.com/
I just stumbled upon your blog really randomly on Google+ (which I barely even use) and completely fell in love. I've read so many of your posts and watched your first video and I really just wanted to say how much of an inspiration I think you are. I don't suffer with M.E. myself but some of the things you say I can relate to in that my depression and anxiety can be debilitating, and I think it's great that you're so determined to live life how you want to. Thanks for being so honest about it, Meg. x
ReplyDeleteRachel | A Little Grey
Aww, you're more than welcome - I'm the thankful one for you, it means the world that people read and comment on my ramblings, haha :) hope you're taking care of yourself lovely! x
ReplyDeleteYou're SO kind, do you know that! :) Today was an even better day, still spent all of it under a duvet with a pounding headache but I finally slept at long last and I got a bit of work done :) things are looking up! Thanks for the encouragement when I needed it, I really do appreciate it lots. All my love, Sam x
ReplyDeleteI totally agree with all three points, you're so right! It's nice to have people who 'get it', I find that when I'm feeling extra ill I get quite sensitive and the comments people make that are normally like water off a duck's back start offending me more and I'm quite 'fragile' about it all. 99% of people mean well but when you constantly get comments it can get quite overwhelming - so it's lovely to have people like you who blog and understand what it's like and how hard it is with a chronic illness. Thank you :)
ReplyDeleteHaha, exactly! I agree, the way I see it anyway - every day is a new chance to better yourself, which isn't always easy when you're as poorly as us, but we can at least try no matter what the date. I'd love to launch into January all guns blazing, but we've got to do the best with what we've got!
Thanks so much Josie, this comment really helped. It really is important, I try to keep things quite positive but sometimes life just calls for a glum post where you're not trying to put a 'happy spin' on things. Trying my best to keep an upbeat yet realistic tone on my blog - we all have ups and downs. Absolutely agree with the cat cuddling, all day erry day! Sending lots of love to you too, thanks again for such a sweet and thoughtful comment x
Definitely, I love how everyone is totally getting what I meant - sometimes when you post something like this you're not sure how it'll go down, whether some people will think you're attention seeking or whatever, but I'm so lucky to have you all who 'get it' one hundred percent and are there with lots of kind words :) you're all gems! I agree, we've got to keep hope for the future even though we don't know if or when - what matters today is that we're staying strong and hopeful. Sending all of those lovely things right back at you, Jess! <3 x
ReplyDeleteThanks, Nicole :) x
ReplyDeleteThis is so lovely, thanks Rachel! I never use Google+ either, when I first started blogging I used it all the time but for some reason it fell by the wayside, thanks for reminding me about it :) aww that's so nice to hear, I'm really glad you enjoy reading and hope it's helped you in some way! Anyone who lives with any kind of illness, mental or physical, is extremely brave and admirable in my eyes. Keep going, we're all in it together - here's to honesty :) you might have to interest in this or may have tried it before, but recently I was approached to try a new app by the people at Panoply, it's designed for people with anxiety or depression and is a way of teaching yourself CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy) from home, it's available on your computer as of now but they're making it into a phone app too. They're on Twitter (@truss_app) so you should definitely drop them a line if you're interested, I'm not sure what I think yet as I've got a physical illness (although CBT has been proved to help in some cases of people with ME!) but I'm sure it'd be fantastic for someone with your conditions. I'm not affiliated with them or anything, it just popped into my mind and I thought I'd mention it on the off chance you find it useful :) anyway, thanks again for reading and commenting, Rachel - hope you continue to enjoy reading/watching :) lots of love! x
ReplyDeleteOh, this was the loveliest reply - thank you so much! I've just followed them and am so intrigued to find out more in the morning! Health - mental and physical - is very much on my mind this week. I posted a blog post on Sunday about dropping out of university and the response has been so overwhelming... people with mental and physical illnesses have been messaging me and I'm trying to think of something to do to help people, beyond just telling my story, you know? This is probably a weird place to be telling you all of this, but I imagine you'll understand what I mean? Anyway... random tangent. Thanks again so much for the recommendation, I'll let you know how I get on :) x
ReplyDeleteDon't mention it, I thought your comment was the loveliest :) definitely, I wasn't sure what I thought as it isn't aimed at people with my illness, but I kind of enjoyed it so it's worth a try, absolutely! Ooh I must read that tomorrow, I'm currently on my second year of medical leave from university as I became ill in first year - I know right, fantastic time to become chronically ill and lose all independence - and I've found leaving really hard. I'm still struggling with whether I'm going to return or not, it depends if my health permits it but at the same time I didn't 100% enjoy first year even when I was well, it's all a bit stressful to think about as I have no idea what the future holds or what I'm gonna do with my life (such a Dramatic Dorothy!) so I'm sure it'll help to read about why someone else left uni and their reasons behind it. It's definitely not for everyone, nor is it crucial that you go after college - since going on medical leave I've really realised that. It's not, no worries at all - random tangents are my thang, if you couldn't already tell from my mahuuusive replies. Hitting the hay now, but can't wait to read your blog post :) ooh yeah, do let me know how you get on with it, it'd be interesting to see how someone else finds it! x
ReplyDeleteI feel like I want to reply properly to this tomorrow when my eyes aren't closing and when I can take in words, so I'm going to email you or something in the morning, if that's okay? x
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely, no problem at all! Hope you got a good night's sleep and are able to enjoy your weekend :) take care! x
ReplyDeleteI just want to reach into cyberspace and give you a massive hug because this is just what I needed to read today! I had an awful flare up just before Christmas and have spent most of the time since vomiting and housebound and I just want to be able to start 2015 already! Thank you, thank you, thank you for reminding me I'm not alone! And happy new year. :)
ReplyDeleteI've been going through a flare of my chronic illness for a few months and it's hard to not get frustrated with a body that doesn't work like it's supposed to. Here's to hoping 2015 gets better. The year has just begun.
ReplyDeletehttp://ginnyinboston.blogspot.com
Aww, cyberspace hug back to you lovely! Oh gosh, that sounds horrendous. So sorry to hear that your year is 'on hold' too, it's so frustrating to see the days and weeks passing by and you're going nowhere. Hope 2015 starts looking up for you soon, I'm SO happy that you don't feel as alone. You're never alone with this - trust me! Always here if you need to talk. Happy new year, beautiful :) x
ReplyDeleteI completely understand your frustration, it really does get overwhelming - please know that you're not alone, we're all in it together and there are people who know just how horrendous it feels. Myself included! You're so right, the year has only just begun and we've got the rest of our lives to get well and achieve, and be happy :) x
ReplyDeleteHi Meg, I'm sorry to hear that 2015 hasn't started off the way you would have liked it to, hopefully things will get better as the year goes on.
ReplyDeleteI noticed that this post sounds very similar to another blogger I read (www.smellmyroses.blogspot.co.UK/2015/01/sometimes-it-all-gets-really-overwhelming.html?m=1) and I'd be sad to think you would take ideas from smaller bloggers when you have so many good ideas yourself! Not cool.